What stands in the way of your child reaching his or her goal? Usually only one thing. Himself or herself. At least that's what motivational speakers say. I tend to believe this. But I like to specifically help kids look at what it is about themselves that gets in the way of accomplishing an important goal. It is our self-defeating behaviors that stop us from reaching our goals.

Self-defeating behaviors can be anything -- from the use of alcohol or drugs, to depression, laziness, anger, or jealousy -- that keeps us from improving. A lot of the behaviors I choose to call self-defeating other people might see as a psychiatric or physical illness. Things like alcoholism, depression, attention deficit disorder, drug addiction, frequent rages, or moodiness might be called disorders or syndromes. However, when we view the actions and behaviors that interfere with goal attainment as something outside of our child's control than we helping them to have a built-in excuse for not doing anything about it. 

When I work with children and teenagers, whether they are delinquent or just kids who haven't lived up to their potential or the expectations others have for them, I hear them give all sorts of excuses and reasons why they cannot accomplish their goals. "What do you expect?" one child said to me. "I've got attention deficit disorder. I can't pay attention in school." An adolescent recently said to me, "Sure, I'd like to get a good job, but I have dyslexia and I can't fill out an application form." Another one said that she would like to do better at school. "But," she said, "I've always been lazy."

When kids have grown up believing they have had a "disorder" or problem, they sometimes feel they can avoid taking responsibility for their life and their actions. But I don't want to let them get away with this because they are the ones who lose out. When I challenge their excuses, I am constantly amazed at how much they can accomplish and how goals that they thought were unattainable suddenly come within reach.

While I'm aware that disorders, illnesses, and "conditions" do exist, I prefer to see the challenges raised by them as detours rather than roadblocks. I don't want young people to make excuses and find reasons why they "can't" do something. I'd rather have them brainstorm and find all the ways they can overcome their areas of weakness.

To be sure, all of us have self-defeating behaviors. Everyone one of us has quirks, foibles, health conditions, bad habits, emotional hang-ups, and whatever else keep us from working hard at or accomplishing a goal.  It may help to share some of your own with your child, particularly if you've managed to overcome them. Furthermore, it helps if your expectations are high, although not unreasonable, and that you not allow your child to achieve at a second rate level just because they encounter some problems.