While all preschoolers will be negative and oppositional at times as they strive for more independence and a little more control over their lives, the truly difficult youngster will be hard for enough the most patient and caring adult to handle. In most cases, the biggest surprise for parents is that you're often facing some of the same battles at three and four -- which you thought were part of a passing phase -- that you dealt with at one and two.

When the difficulties of a child are related to temperament, the traits don't magically disappear. They remain in one form or another. Your task as a parent is to help your child channel his more challenging characteristics, behavior, and traits into positive areas of life -- without making these traits actually worse.

Here are some tips to handling that more difficult and more demanding preschooler:

• Understand your child's temperament. To be able to manage a difficult child adequately, you must be aware of your child's temperament. Learn to see him as an individual who has personality traits that are uniquely his and that give him the special qualities that make him an individual. By getting to know his temperament, you can begin to accept the traits you didn't cause and you can't change.
• Manage your stress. You won't be able to handle a difficult child unless you work on your own stress level. This will require parental time-out from the child to replenish your energy level. The more positive social and emotional support you can get, the better.
• Avoid labeling your child in a negative way. It's essential to protect your child's self-image. Do not use negative statements or critical names. Don't brand her as an angry, aggressive, violent, or unmanageable child. Once a child begins to see herself in this way, she will be psychologically obligated to continue to live up to the label.
• Do not model aggression, hostility, or out-of-control behavior. When you spank or use other physical punishments, your methods contradict what you're attempting to teach. Instead model and teach ways to control angry behavior and
• Solve problems without resorting to force. Don't expose your child to aggressiveness. Difficult children, who already have problems by being easily frustrated, impulsive, or aggressive, should not be allowed to watch TV shows, videos, movies, or cartoons with aggressive themes. These children will be less well equipped to handle aggressive content in stories and TV shows and are more likely to imitate such behavior -- even in innocent play.