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Dating Tips for Shy People
by Nancy
Wesson
The tips below are provided to give you a general structure
and guidelines to follow in dating. It is often very stressful to date or to try to date
when you are shy.
If you find that you are unable to complete any of the
tasks below, or if you become very distressed when attempting to complete these tasks,
have panic attacks, or severe anxiety, I recommend that you work with a psychotherapist
when using the tips. Counseling can offer you much needed support as you go through the
dating process and can also, in some cases help you speed up the process of meeting new
people.
First of all, let's talk about risk taking and dating There
is no way to avoid taking emotional risks when dating. Give yourself support, and seek out
support from others as you do this. Be gentle with yourself. Get extra help if you need it
as you would for any other important area in your life. Good luck.
Steps in the Dating Process with Extra
Help for Shyness
- Plan out dating as you would any other important area of
your life. Commit yourself to taking the time and energy to finding people that are right
for you to date. Be discriminating and expect for it to be bumpy. Remember dating is a
numbers game. You may need to meet several (10-20) new people before finding someone that
you really click with.
- Practice one of the relaxation strategies described in
the section on managing stress and anxiety everyday.
- Read the section on handling rejection and try to
understand your own feelings about rejection before you begin the dating process.
- Pursue coed activities (gay activities if you are gay)
that interest you These can be biking, hiking, photography, self-help seminars, volunteer
or charitable organizations, literature classes etc. Plan to participate in one or more of
these activities one or two times a week every single week of your life until you are in a
serious relationship.
- Once you are attending your activities on a regular
basis, begin to ask people out one after the other. Usually coffee or lunch dates work
best for a first date. Start by chatting with the new person about the activity you are
both participating in, then casually ask if the person would like to get together some
other time. (This works if you are a man or a woman) If you are a woman and would rather
go the traditional route then just let the person know that you like them and would like
to get to know them better.
- Before you go out : Sit down, do your relaxation
exercise and visualize how you would like the date to go. This should be a positive
visualization and you should create the visualization in such a way that you enjoy the
experience. Doing this helps your mind prepare for the date.
- Going out:When you go out on a date, be curious about
the other person and use this curiosity to focus on whether or not you like the person.
Ask questions and create conversation out of mutual interests even if you do not know much
about the subject at hand. Since you have been sharing an activitity together you already
have the basis for a conversation. Allow for some quiet awkward moments during this date,
it always happens.
- The next date or dates: Once you find someone that you
have connection and some chemistry with, follow up with phone calls or e-mails just to get
to know the person. (At this point you need to be prepared for rejection, this is often
the toughest part of dating. Remember you are building a connection with this person and
regular communication is essential.
About The Author
Nancy Wesson, Ph.D., Psychologist
(650) 965-7332
[email protected]
http://www.wespsych.com
� Nancy Wesson, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
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