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Someone Right For You
by Dr. Edward A.
Dreyfus
I am constantly hearing the lament: "Where have
all the good men (women) gone?" The way people talk you would think that mates were
an extinct species. In this article I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in
human beings and ways in which you can increase the odds of finding a "compatible
mate." You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you
are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain
myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no
different than any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility
for making it happen. Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and
appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many
folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not
committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action.
Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance.
Myth I: Luck is the essence of romance. Luck
has very little to do with romance other than to maintain the illusion that we are
helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and
then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach
romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their
dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do
everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. And professional lovers do
everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their
dreams.
I am reminded of the story of a young man who regularly prays to God to win the lottery.
Day after day, week after week he prays and prays and nothing happens. Then one day, in
the middle of his prayers, he hears thunder and lightening and the voice of God booms down
upon him. "Charlie, meet me half way, buy a ticket." People tend to pray, wish,
hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan
of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important
human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven. This
myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained,
out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the
mates we end up with and that we must settle for those that we find ourselves involved in.
Human beings make choices. and many of them are poor choices.
While this myth has romantic overtones, it denies human beings responsibility for their
choices. It leaves us at the mercy of some fictitious master plan governing our lives and
the freedom to choose is obviated. If, indeed, marriages were made in heaven, then God
made a great many mistakes. Rather than attribute those mistakes to God, we should
exercise our God-given right to choose and learn how to make more effective choices. God
doesn't provide us with a mate - rather God provides us with the ability to choose.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each
of us. If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to
have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed
find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate
available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those
potential partners.
In order to find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more
than one house that we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we
increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them.
The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature
to take its course.
I am reminded of a friend who decided that he wanted to marry a woman who was beautiful,
had considerable financial backing, and was of the same religion as he. He only dated
women after he checked their family's financial standing with Dunn and Bradstreet, who
belonged to his church, and whom he found to be beautiful. By surrounding himself with
rich, beautiful women of the same religion as he, he could then allow himself to fall in
love with any one of them.
What About Romance?
Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We
love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people
gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not
these people are in lust, not love. But this is not to say that this cannot happen.
However, it is unlikely.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common
connections that bind us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect,
and friendship. What my strategy will do is increase the odds of this happening.
Think, for example, of the process we go through in selecting our "dream house."
First we develop an idea of what we are looking for: one story, Mediterranean style, and
four bedrooms. large yard, in a particular geographic area, near schools, etc., and we
establish a price range. We may even get quite specific, because, after all, we will be
spending a lot of time an(f money in this house and we want to insure, as best possible,
that we will be happy. in it. Yet when it comes to choosing a mate we will go to a bar and
hope we get lucky.) Next we contact a real estate agent and tell the agent our
requirements. We also drive around various neighborhoods on our own, read magazines and
newspapers, make inquiries; in short we do our homework. Then the agent begins to show us
around. Not infrequently we may spend many months and view many houses, sometimes hundreds
of houses and even years, depending upon our particular preferences. All along the way we
are collecting information and fine tuning our choices. Finally, one day, we step out of
the agent's car and find ourselves standing in front of our dream house; it's love at
first sight! And that's what we will tell people. We eliminate the fact that we spent many
hours, months, years, looking, searching, refining before the "dream house." A
similar approach should be used for mate selection. Only with mate selection it is even
more difficult since the mate has to choose you as well, whereas the house does not.
Developing a Plan
Now that we have debunked some of our favorite myths we are ready to move to the next
step: developing a strategy. Most people become rather wary at this point. They believe
that romance should just happen without any strategizing. I am a firm believer in letting
nature take its course. However, I am also interested in empowering people to give nature
a helping hand. There is nothing in this plan that is against romance. Developing a plan
increases your likelihood of success. We develop plans and strategies for everything in
life that we succeed at, careers, a dinner party or wedding, performing surgery, buying a
new or used car, planning our estate, designing a house, decorating an apartment, or going
on a vacation. You name it. If we are successful, we have made a plan. Yet in spite of
this knowledge when it comes to romance we prefer to rely on chance and then we wonder why
the divorce rate is so high. If our businesses or dinner parties had as high a failure
rate we surely would begin to analyze why and try to do something about it. Well, the same
is true for romance. It is clear to me that the old way of mate selection has not been
working. It is time for a new way.
Step One: What are you looking for? Most of the time when I ask people
what they are looking for in a mate they say something like "Someone attractive,
intelligent, and sensitive with a good sense of humor." They try to give the
impression that they are not asking for much. However, on closer investigation I usually
find that the list is much more extensive. So, in this step make a complete list of what
you are looking for in a mate. Include those characteristics that are important for
everyday living on a long term basis.
We must distinguish between several categories of mate: roommate, playmate, friend, and
permanent mate. Each of these has its own set of characteristics with some degree of
overlap. Many people have not distinguished between them and therefore may be stating that
they want a permanent mate where in reality they are seeking a playmate. A permanent mate
is some combination of roommate, friend, and playmate. Therefore, it might be wise for you
to make up three lists of characteristics, one for each of these three types of mate. Once
you have developed these lists, merge them. Some characteristics may be eliminated.
Intelligence may, for example, be more important in a mate than t" a playmate;
neatness is more important m a roommate than in a friend.
Step Two: Take a personal inventory. Honesty is very important in this
step. List all the characteristics that describe yourself. Pretend that you are describing
yourself to someone else, what would you say? Once you have developed this list, ask three
of your closest friends to develop a list describing you. Tell them to be brutally honest.
Compare their list with your own. Then ask them to look at your list and tell you whether
they agree with your self-assessment. If there is a discrepancy. between how you see
yourself and how your friends see you, then you have some work to do. Somehow you have to
reconcile your self-perception with the perception of others.
Step Three: Separate fantasy from reality. Most of us have images of
ourselves that often are at odds with reality. We have an idea of who we would like to be
and present the image to the world rather than the reality. Sometimes we tell the story so
often we tend to believe it ourselves.
When it comes to relationships we cannot present the person we would like to be to others
as if it were the person we actually are. This would never fly in business; it is called
false advertising. Truth in advertising is very important in developing a relationship. We
often deceive ourselves as well as others. In this step you must assess what you say you
want with the reality of who you are. Some men say that they want an independent thinking,
self directed woman, who has her own career. In reality they want a woman who will take
care of them and be the Mom they never had. It is similar to the guy who goes to the horse
riding stable and tells the person who rents horses that he wants a frisky thoroughbred
because he thinks of himself as a jockey. After he falls off a few times and has to walk
back to the stable he realizes that he should have been with a gentle mare.
Step Four: Increase your opportunities. Make a list of the type of
activities you enjoy: biking, dancing, cooking, spiritual, self-help, yoga, art, horseback
riding, etc. Begin to participate in those activities in an arena where both single men
and women can be found. If you are interested in cooking, for example, find a cooking
class that is likely to be attended by both men and women. By attending activities that
your are interested in you are able to insure that you will have a good time even if you
do not meet someone who is of interest to you. Do not participate in activities where the
end result determines whether you enjoy yourself. Do not waste your time going to places
where the odds are stacked against you: meat (meet) markets, bars, dance clubs, large
gatherings, etc. are not places to meet potential mates. Maximize your use of your time.
Step Five: It pays to advertise. Let all of your friends and relative
know that you are seeking a mate. Make use of business associates. Everyone is a potential
agent. And most people love the idea of helping someone find a mate. Tell them about
yourself and specifically what you are looking for so they can better represent you. Don't
be bashful, be honest. Think of these people as you would a real estate agent; tell them
exactly what you are looking for so that you can increase your likelihood of success. The
more information they have the better. Make use of dating services, but check them out
first. Make sure they are reputable. Get references. Do the types of people you are
looking for participate? If you have a flair for writing, use the personals column, but
again do some homework. Check the credibility of the magazine and quality of the ads. Do
the types of people you are looking for advertise in the column?
Early Imprinting
The first relationship we observe is that of our parents. This forms a template deep in
our unconscious that affects our choice in a mate. Our parents form a model of what
relationships are like and what adult males and females are about. As such, these early
imprints have a profound effect on our choices of mates and our expectations with respect
to a relationship. If this early imprinting was positive we are likely to have satisfying
interpersonal relationships and a positive image of others. However, if it is negative, it
may well have the opposite effect. Sometimes the effect was so negative, even though we
may not be aware of it, it can severely interfere with our interpersonal satisfaction.
Repeated destructive relationships, co-dependence, and generally unhealthy relationships
may ensue. In these cases, professional intervention may be necessary before you can
proceed with some of the steps indicated above.
About the Author:
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is in private practice in Santa
Monica, California where he practices as a clinical psychologist, divorce mediator and
life coach. He offers individual and group psychotherapy as well as couples therapy and
sex therapy. In his coaching practice he works with individuals seeking to enhance and
balance their professional, career and personal life.
Dr. Dreyfus is a Licensed Psychologist and a Licensed Marriage, Family, & Child
Therapist. He is also a Certified Sex Therapist of the American Association of Sex
Educators, Counselors and Therapists. He is a Fellow of the American Psychological
Association, a Diplomate and Fellow of the American Board of Sexology, a Fellow of the
Academy of Clinical Sexologists, a Diplomate in Professional Psychotherapy of the
International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy, Inc., and a
Diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners. Dr. Dreyfus is a Registrant in
the National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology and is a Registrant in the
National Register of Certified Group Psychotherapists.
In 1996, he was the recipient of the prestigious Distinguished Psychologist Award given by
the Los Angeles County Psychological Association. Dr. Dreyfus has written three books,
several book chapters, over two dozen professional articles, and has presented at many
professional meetings.
Purchase Dr. Dreyfus' book, Someone Right
For You.
Visit his website at http://www.docdreyfus.com.
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