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Relationships: The Role of the Hidden Message
Good relationships are at the core of a happy life. If
you are dissatisfied with your life, one of the tasks you and your therapist face is to
explore the true nature of your relationships (parents, spouse/lover, friends, children,
boss, etc.) past and present. The "true nature" is not necessarily what appears
on the surface. We often "make" relationships work by adapting ourselves to
them. For example, we may learn to ask for as little as possible from a depressed parent,
or not to challenge an angry spouse. Over time, these responses become second nature, and
we forget that we are being reactive. As a result, we may feel dissatisfied, but we don't
know why.
Just as the "true nature" of relationships
may not be what appears on the surface, so to, the "true nature" of
communication may be disguised. Hidden messages are sent and received in all
relationships. Hidden messages are those that are delivered "between the lines,"
verbally and non-verbally. They can be positive or negative, affirming or destructive.
Often, these messages are more powerful than the one's directly spoken.
Let me give you a common example of what I mean by "hidden
message." I'm sure you know people who, whenever you present a situation that has
been troubling you, respond: "This is what you should do..." and proceed to
describe how you should solve your problem. On the surface this advice appears to be a
helpful response (and indeed sometimes it is). But there also may be an hidden message.
What might the hidden message be from the advice giver? There are a number of
possibilities:
- Look at me---I am so smart!
- Just do this and stop bothering me; I have troubles of my own.
- Your situation makes me anxious; if I tell you what you should do,
I'll feel less anxious.
- I love you and I'm trying to be helpful.
- Any or all of the above.
As you can see, communication between two human beings is a complicated affair. While a
message may appear to be straight-forward on the surface, underneath it may be
constructive, destructive, or both. A skilled therapist is often needed to identify the
hidden messages that fly back and forth between two people. This is especially true in
couples therapy.
About the Author:
Psychologist Richard Grossman, Ph.D., has taught and
supervised in the internship and postdoctoral psychotherapy programs at Massachusetts
General Hospital/ Harvard Medical School, and at The Boston Institute for Psychotherapies.
Since 1987 he has maintained a private practice in Brookline, Massachusetts specializing
in individual psychotherapy, couples counseling, and parenting skills. At his web site http://www.mindspring.com/~ragrossman/ you will find thought provoking essays on therapy, parenting,
relationship issues, and other topics in psychology.
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