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Here are the Jokes
Let's get serious about humor.


Shrink Thinks Links OK

Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them."


Top Ten Signs You Have A Cheap HMO

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Chief of Proctology for the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your heart pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

and  the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra but they suggest the generic equivalent; a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


Exercise Techniques

I exercise as little as possible. My philosophy is; no pain; no pain.

You are never too old to begin an exercise program. I will guarantee you that even if you are 80 years old, if you walk two miles a day, every day,  for the next twenty years, you will live to be a hundred.



                        
Child Rearing Advice

When you wish to discipline your child, never raise your hands above your head. This way you won't leave your groin unprotected.

 


Parents' Dictionary

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: The name you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

 


More HMO Stuff

HMO FAQ'S


Q: What does HMO stand for?

A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.



Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and
that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.



Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need.



Q: What are preexisting conditions?

A: This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.




Q: Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.



Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.



Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A: Poke yourself in the eye.



Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A: You really shouldn't do that.



Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 Co-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.



Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

A: No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.






Different Strokes

Do you know the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."




Compulsive Gambler Loses Big

I used to be a big gambler. Now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

Steve Allen


Dementia is in the Details; or Old-timers Disease

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure that nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to him about the problems they were having with their memories. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked him, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you please get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said; "I knew it. You forgot my toast."

 


Oh, Now I Remember

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "George, how was the memory clinic you two went to last month?"
"Outstanding," George replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

George went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke out across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

 


Identity Crisis

When I was young, I always prayed that I would be someone. I should have been more specific.



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Enlightenment

How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? 

Only one, but the light bulb has to
really want to change! 



How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb will change itself if it is in the right setting.



How many psychoanalysts does it take to change to light bulb?

Only one but it can take from seven to ten years.


Delusions of Gander

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A man walked into a psychologist's office with a goose on his head.  The receptionist was startled and buzzed the doctor on the intercom.  "Doctor, I think you better come out here right away," she stated. 

When the psychologist arrived, he was surprised at what he saw having never seen anything quite like it.  However, he calmly invited the man back to his consulting room while imagining the various possible causes for this unusual behavior.  He closed the door and offered him a seat and began by asking, "Well, how can I be of help?" At this point, the goose said, "Doc, can you help me get this guy off my tail."


The Psychphone

Welcome to the Psychological Clinic.
If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press 1, as many times as you like.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't really matter which number you press. Probably no one will answer anyway.



One Liners

  • If a person with multiple personality threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?

  • No, I don't have a solution, but I do admire your problem.

  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  • Well, Doc. I have a memory problem and I also can't seem to remember anything.

  • Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.

  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
    self-help section?" She said "If I told you, it would defeat
    the purpose."

 


Brave Young Oedipus

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."


Short Term Therapy

Sid had been seeing a psychoanalyst for three years for treatment of his lifelong fear of monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. He didn't feel he was making any progress. He terminated therapy with the psychoanalyst and decided to try something different.

A few weeks later, Sid's former psychoanalyst ran into him on the street, and was surprised to find him looking so   well-rested,relaxed, and cheerful. "Doc!" Sid said, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you certainly do seem to be doing much better. How has it happened?"
"I went to see another doctor," Sid replied enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One session?!" the psychoanalyst asked in astonishment.
"Yeah," replied Sid, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asked. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," said Sid. "He told me to saw the legs off of my bed."

 


Therapy Helps

Don't let worry and stress kill you. Let a psychologist help.


Please send your addictions, I mean additions, to our joke list to humor@planetpsych.com.

We take jokes or humorous anecdotes relating to psychotherapy, mental health, relationships or addictions.

 

 

 

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