Here are the Jokes
Let's get serious about humor.
Thinks Links OK
Patient: "Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like
Psychiatrist: "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient: "Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of
Top Ten Signs You
Have A Cheap HMO
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left
when you enter the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Chief of Proctology for the plan is "Gus" from
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is
"an apple a day".
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you
gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your heart pills didn't come in different
colors with little "M"'s on them.
and the Number 1 Sign
You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra but they suggest the generic
equivalent; a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
I exercise as little as possible.
My philosophy is; no pain; no
You are never too old to begin an
exercise program. I will guarantee you that even if you are 80 years old, if you walk two
miles a day, every day, for the next twenty years, you will live to be a hundred.
Child Rearing Advice
When you wish to discipline your
child, never raise your hands above your head. This way you won't leave your groin
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a
woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on
the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: The name you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
More HMO Stuff
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept
pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about
the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors
basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and
those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's
drive away and
that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
Q: What are preexisting conditions?
A: This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about
existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q: Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the
generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can
a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 Co-payment, there is no
harm giving him a shot at it.
Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Do you know the difference between a psychiatrist and a
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you
say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with
Compulsive Gambler Loses Big
I used to be a big gambler. Now I
just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
Dementia is in the Details; or Old-timers Disease
An 80-year-old couple was having problems
remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure
that nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to him about the
problems they were having with their memories. After checking the couple out, the doctor
told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his
chair and his wife asked him, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you please get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down
so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on
top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream
She replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know
you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write
that down I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said; "I knew it. You
forgot my toast."
Oh, Now I
Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one
of the men asked the other, "George, how was the memory clinic you two went to last
"Outstanding," George replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
George went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke out across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of
When I was young, I always
prayed that I would be someone. I should have been more specific.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a light
Only one, but the light bulb has to
really want to change!
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself if it is in the right setting.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change to light bulb?
Only one but it can take from seven to ten years.
Delusions of Gander